Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
