I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
