He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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