dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
