We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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