They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize