Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
