Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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