I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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