you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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