I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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