oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize