I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
