Acid is not a monday night drug
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
