He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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