Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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