From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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