The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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