He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
