Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
