upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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