oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
