End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
