My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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