Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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