If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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