I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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