What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize