So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
