Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(702): View more from Nevada

I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

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(907): View more from Alaska

The chlamydia really affected his face.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me

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(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'

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