Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
