Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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