i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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