I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
