HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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