you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
