Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
