My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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