Everything about him screamed your future.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
