remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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