My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
