Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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