today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
