so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I deserve this hangover.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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