My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
