its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
