Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
