Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your penis caused this!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
