if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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