I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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