So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't turn off my feet"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
