Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
