Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
