KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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