he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
