He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
