He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
