Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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