I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
