No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
