Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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